Anger is one of the universal emotions and we have all experienced it.
But many of us do not know what to do with it when it comes to dealing with anger, and end up saying or doing things we later on regret, and it creates even more drama in our lives.
All events are NEUTRAL until we attach meaning to it. Where does this meaning come from? From our own belief systems.
Each one of us may a different reaction to the same event. An event that would cause someone to be anger, that exact same event could cause another person to feel happy.
So then, what is anger really about when we feel it?
Underneath anger is ALWAYS associated fear.
But fear is too vulnerable, so it’s “safer” to be angry instead.
The GIFT of ANGER is that it is a TOOL FOR SELF-DISCOVERY.
How it seems <—————————-> How it should be (Your Belief System)
Here’s how you can use the Gift of Anger:
1) Write down the event that triggered your anger.
2) Look at what your expectations of the event were. What you write down will reveal your belief system.
3) Look for the evidence that goes against your belief system if you to look at the event with neutrality.
To help, you can ask someone else who was there and NOT triggered by anger, what their expectations of the event was. Notice how there expectations may have differed (and this is not to make you right or wrong- no one is right or wrong in this situation, it is just to observe non-judgementally).
Here’s a personal example of mine:
Recently, I had a family photoshoot, and my dear brother shows up wearing jeans 3x too big and unshaven. Immediately I felt anger come up because of how he was presenting himself.
In that moment, I had to take deep breathes and shift into gratitude for him being there (and deal with my anger later because I knew it wasn’t about him, it was my own stuff to deal with). Years of practicing and preaching about tools to deal with triggers work! 😉
When I later reflected on why I was so triggered with a couple neutral friends, it was because I felt like he was disrespecting me since he knows I dislike those jeans on him, and that I am not a fan of him with facial hair. I have voiced this concern many times to him over the years. So underneath, my belief system was “You do not respect me and You do not listen to me” (after all the fashion advice I’ve given him over the years).
Which then my logical self can look at the grander picture and say, “This is SoOOOOooo not true! My brother respects me tremendously, and he shows it by A, B and C”. (i.e, look for the evidence against my belief system).
So the gift of anger was the ability to have me look at myself and learn what was it about the event that caused me to feel such a way? Now I have a newfound and deeper appreciation for my brother and next time he wears jeans 3x too big and is unshaven, I might not prefer it, but it won’t be such an issue anymore. I’ll be able to stay in a more expansive space of gratitude for him.
So I hope that this post helps you see that Anger is a Gift and when you CHOOSE to look at it and listen to the message it is giving you, you will be EMPOWERED!
If you need help, I’m here to support you!
In Abundant Body Love & Joy,
Rosalyn Fung, M.Sc.,
Self- Love Transformational Coach